Damn These Dialogues!

By: Keyur Seta

Right from its inception, Bollywood has churned out some memorable flicks with some classy and landmark dialogues. However, amongst these praiseworthy dialogues, there have also been some which are plain idiotic.

Surprisingly, many of these stupid lines have appeared in movies which are highly regarded and respected. Being subjected to hearing such lines since childhood, I can’t help but make fun of them. There’s some force which is compelling me to interpret these dialogues (in capital letters) in my way, which can be more idiotic than the original lines!

–  Agar tumne uske saath shaadi ki to mera maraa moo dekhogi! – AS IF OTHER PARTS OF YOUR BODY WOULD BE ALIVE.

– Main tera khoon pee jaaunga – A HOPELESS AND HELPLESS VICTIM OF WATER SHORTAGE.

– Doctor tells a lady that her husband is no more and she says, “Keh do ki yeh jhoot hai!” Just imagine the doctor saying, “Haan aisi situations mein mujhe mazaak karne ki aadat hain.”

– Yeh gaajar ka halwa maine apne haathon se banaya hain – YES WE CAN COOK FROM DIFFERENT PARTS OF OUR BODY.

– Nikaah kabool hain? – NAHIN YAAR. MAIN YAHAN ITNE ACHHE SE TAYAAR HOKE SIRF TIMEPASS KARNE AAYAA/AAI HOON!

– Kanoon ke haath bohat lambe hote hain – KAASH PAIR BHI LAMBE HOTE TO POLICE TIME PE POHOCHTI!

– Mera dimaag mat khao – MAIN SADI HUI CHEEZEN NAHIN KHATA!

– Bachne ka koi rasta nahin. Police ne tumhe chaaron taraf se gher liya hai – THEN WHY YOU SOUNDING SO PETRIFIED?

– Itne kharche? Ghar mein ek phooti kaudi nahin hain – AGAR HOTI TO BHI KYA HO JATA? IS IT ACCEPTED AS CURRENCY IN INDIA?

– Main kahan hoon? Main kaun hoon? – ACTUALLY YOU SHOULD ASK, “MAIN KYUN HOON?”

– A typical maa asks with a startling and spooky expression, “Tumne mujhe maa kaha? – GALTI HO  GAYI. PHIR SE NAHIN KAHUNGAA!

(And now the killer of all:-)

– Aage jaane ke liye tumhe meri laash pe se guzarna hoga – NAHIN MAIN ITNA BHI NIRDAY NAHIN HOON. MAIN LAASH KE SIDE MEIN SE CHALA JAAUNGA. I WILL MANAGE ALL RIGHT!

Having made fun of all these lines, I still want the idiocy to continue so that I can write more such blog posts!

Kurbaan Movie Review

Almost Kurbaan

Rating: – * * *

Each and every department of a movie, no matter how perfect and up to the mark, can go unnoticed if the basic plot is infected with flaws. That’s exactly the problem with Rensil D’Silva’s directorial debut Kurbaan. One really wishes the plot was as flawless and watertight as the performances, of each and every artist, and the technical aspects.

The story goes around professor Avantika (Kareena Kapoor), who thought her life is a bed of roses when she married her lover Ehsaan Khan, also a professor, (Saif Ali Khan) until she discovered she is being used as a pawn in a huge terror conspiracy. There’s also Riyaaz (Vivek Oberoi), a war journalist with disguised intentions.

As stated earlier, the problem with Kurbaan lies in the plot itself. The whole idea and motive of Riyaaz is devoid of much logic (not going through the details in order to avoid being a spoiler).

Another scene, the most vital in the plot, is plain laughable. Just figure this out – Avantika gets to know that the plane, in which her friend (Dia Mirza) will be travelling, is going to get blown up. What does Avantika do when she couldn’t get through Dia’s mobile phone? She phones at Dia’s office landline just 15 minutes before takeoff and leaves a recorded message urging and pleading her not to take the flight. How the hell can she expect Dia to receive the message in her office just 15 minutes before the takeoff? She could have called the police, the FBI or the airport authorities but looks like she didn’t trust them.

The above two loopholes turn you off from a rather well made thriller with some terrific edge-of-the-seat moments. Another flipside is the duration of 2 hours 40 minutes. One could afford to miss the initial 20 odd minutes where the hero goes head over heels when he sees his heroine and flirts with her in a typical 90’s fashion. In some more places, the editor should have used his scissors.

Despite the problems, D’Silva does leave a mark. Shooting such a film can be a hell of a task especially when it’s your first one. Therefore, D’Silva should get full credit for it. But the strongest factors come in the form of Hemant Chaturvedi’s cinematography, Salim-Sulaiman’s revolutionary background score, Parvez Khan’s action and Anurag Kashyap and Niranjan Iyenagar’s dialogues.

Salim-Sulaiman’s duo, as music directors, does produce some tuneful melodies but sadly the songs end up being interrupters and the most memorable title track appears at the end credits.

Both Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor enact their parts with flawlessness. Their emotional acts in the climax stay etched in your memory. However, it’s Vivek Oberoi who comes as a total surprise. He has played his part so well that it won’t be an overstatement to assert that the actor is back to his Company, Saathiya and Dum days. In a film which relies mostly on performances, the supporting cast needs to deliver top notch performances and Om Puri, Kiron Kher and the rest of the filling cast do exactly that.

The information and statistics provided in the script and the issues taken to light need special mention. Not many would have known that the US, in their efforts to curb terrorism, ended up taking many more than 15,000 lives in Iraq and Afghanistan which is five times more than the death toll in the 9/11 attacks (3,000).

All in all, Kurbaan is for those who like to enjoy some spine chilling moments without troubling their brains. Despite the big starcast, the film has had just an average opening which will make its going tough at the box-office.

Sachin Tendulkar Completes 20 Years in International Cricket!

Maybe for the first time in my life I am caught in a situation where I am eager and enthusiastic to express myself but I am not able to find the words.

Well, I have no problems with this because it is the bewilderment of the Master Blaster Sachin Tendulkar which is making me speechless as he completes 20 years in international cricket, 20 years of making India proud, 20 years of carrying the pressure of the whole match on his shoulders, 20 years of giving a nightmare to bowlers around the world, 20 years of being down to earth despite being the biggest cricketing hero in the world, 20 years of forcing tens of thousands of his followers to ram in the stadium just to watch him and last but not the least – 20 years of being what he is.

Sachin_century-NagpurBecause of my writer’s block right now (for which I am proud), I can just say I feel fortunate to have been born in this era as I got a chance to grow simultaneously with Sachin’s career.

If it wasn’t for Sachin’s determination and strong will, he couldn’t have completed two decades in international cricket because of the tremendous pressure laden on him to retire by some ‘so-called’ cricket experts since last 4-5 years. Well, they will still pester him to hang his boots and call it a day soon but who responds to barking dogs?

By the way, despite having a writer’s block, I still managed to write almost close to 300 words. Well, this is also because of the genius of the master!

Lastly, I am never able to keep my filmy keeda away which is forcing me to present you the Master Blaster in the following manners: –

Sachin - Sarkar Final2Sachin - Don Final2Sachin - Baadshah Final2Sachin - Shahenshah Final2

Happy Birthday Shah Rukh Khan!

Shah Rukh Birthday

Chauaalis (44) saal pehle 2nd November ko hua ek CHAMATKAAR. JOSH ke saath aayaa is duniya mein ek BAADSHAH ye kehte hue ki MAIN HOON NA! Us BAAZIGAR ke DIL SE barasne lagi MOHABBATEIN. SWADES aur PARDES mein logon ka is par DIL TOH PAGAL HAI. Sirf main hi nahin iska DEEWANA, is Bollywood ke DON ka to hai ZAMANA DEEWANA.

Very Happy Birthday to a talented actor and a down-to-earth human being!

For Your Eyes Only – Part 3

Haan yeh aam raasta nahin hai! Har Pooranmaashi ki raat ko 9 baje is raaste par kadam rakhne se aap hawaa mein skating karne lagte hai! (Clicked at Santacruz East)

Haan yeh aam raasta nahin hai! Har Pooranmaashi ki raat ko 9 baje is raaste par kadam rakhne se aap hawaa mein skating karne lagte hai! (Clicked at Santacruz East)

Thanks for informing... or rather cautioning (Clicked at Dadar West)

Thanks for informing... or rather cautioning (Clicked at Dadar West)

This is how Manoj Kumar will protect himself from getting Swine Flu (Clicked inside my office. The name of the employee is withheld to protect his identity... lol)

This is how Manoj Kumar will protect himself from getting Swine Flu (Clicked inside my office. The name of the employee is withheld to protect his identity... lol)

Now this is called height of overconfidence! (Clicked at Shivaji Park)

Now this is called height of overconfidence! (Clicked at Shivaji Park)

Such a description suits more to places like Switzerland, Mussoorie or Ooty instead of Mulund station

Such a description suits more to places like Switzerland, Mussoorie or Ooty instead of Mulund station

Are these people expecting to get a pesticides order at 2 in the night? (Clicked at Gokhale Road, Dadar West)

Are these people expecting to get a pesticides order at 2 in the night? (Clicked at Gokhale Road, Dadar West)

In the first two lines, they are giving an account that their Neuro Surgeon and Nephrologist did manage to succeed in a few cases her and there. But the last line is the killer - Super Speciality Doctors Available! They have doctors who can fix someones tooth from their left hand while simultaneously fixing someones bone with their right hand. That's their super speciality!

In the first two lines, they are giving an account that their Neuro Surgeon and Nephrologist did manage to succeed in a few cases her and there. But the last line is the killer - Super Speciality Doctors Available! They have doctors who can fix someones tooth from their left hand while simultaneously fixing someones bone with their right hand. That's their super speciality! (Clicked at Dadar West)

A Thursday

Why is October 12 so special for me? (No… it’s not my birthday and I am still single)

October 12… sounds like an ordinary date doesn’t it? But for me, it’s worth a thousand smiles. Something happened on this day which I so dearly wanted to happen since my childhood. I am sure many would consider my excitement as over the top but I can’t help. Three years back, I finally saw him in real and spoke with him (not her by any means). And before you start thinking, God knows what, let me come to the point and stop your weird imaginations. It was the day when I met the great Baadshah of Bollywood – Shah Rukh Khan!

I and my classmates, who were completing PG Diploma in Journalism, were sent by our college (K C College of Management Studies) to a talk show on NDTV show where SRK was the guest. I clearly remember how desperate I was to put in my name in the list of those who were interesting in attending the show. Thus began my wait for that Thursday, which finally arrived. After we reached Mehboob Studio for more than an hour, King Khan finally arrived dressed in a shirt and blue jeans. I could hardly believe my eyes and luck.

Pranab Roy, the host, quickly began the show. As Shah Rukh started answering questions on his daily life, we soon came to know how down to earth he is. We were all pleasantly surprised to see the biggest star behaving in the most simplest of manners just like any other common man. The show began to progress and so did King Khan’s friendliness with us. Also we were awestruck by his witty humor.

SPL18091_002

In between he also gave attitude tips in a totally non-preaching manner. It’s after listening to one of his tips that I have started doing every small activity with utmost dedication. SRK had said, “Even if you are just brushing your teeth you should brush it in such a way as if it is the last time you are getting a chance to do so.” Initially I wasn’t sure of this but still gave it a try few days after the show and today I am still enjoying doing every small activity enthusiasm.

Later in the show, selected few got a chance to ask Shah Rukh a question and of course I was one of them. While all were desperately pleading for the mike with all excitement, I just politely signaled Roy for a chance and it paid off. If there was a moment where calmness scored over desperation, this was one!

As I tried asking a question to SRK, I could feel my hand shaking, heartbeat thumping and my breath going irregular. I asked, “Are you looking forward to becoming a director ever?” and he answered humorously, “Yes, maybe after 4-5 years when nobody will give me work.” I won’t explain my reaction after this cameo of a talk with him because I will never be able to do so! And lastly, we broke the rules of the organizers and ran on the stage. Needless to say I was one of them. I can still feel his handshake.

SRK2

The show ended as Shah Rukh Khan danced with few members from the audience. And this time, I, being the worst dancer in the world, was happy sitting in the audience as I had no intentions of making a fool of myself on national television! Thus, the show ended and so did one of the best moments of my life.

When my course ended, majority of my classmates felt the money spent on the fees wasn’t worth. In fact, almost all of them felt that… except me. Those few hours spent inside Mehboob studio never allowed me to feel that way.

Unusual Characters Inside a BEST Bus

Being a Mumbaikar, one cannot escape regular voyages in our BEST busses. I am no exception and I feel fortunate for it as I just love our red-colored beauties (busses). While travelling all these years, I come across different types of unusual characters. I would like to categorize them and would also like to read their thoughts, of course in a fictitious manner.

BEST BusThe Ever Suspecting Types: Unfortunately I bump into such people regularly. Some co-passengers just stare at me with suspicion. They scan me from head to toe and look at me as if I am carrying explosives. Maybe he took the message ‘Look around for suspicious people’ a bit too seriously.

The Ever Offended Types: While following the rule of getting down from the front door, one has to pass through a line of standing passengers while asking them to excuse. When I ask one to give me way, they give me such an offended expression as if I poked a needle in his or her stomach while saying so!

The Hool Giving Types: There isn’t a single commuter (while travelling standing) who doesn’t hope that a passenger sitting near him gets up to leave. In such situations, I come across these Hool Giving types. These people give all indications a person gives seconds before alighting. They cling on the handle of the seat in front of them and some (females) even put the purse handle on their shoulder, only to get down after 20-30 minutes!

How Dare You Types: Unfortunately I come across many people (males) who sit in a bus seat with legs spread. When I ‘kindly’ ask the person to give some space, he gives such an angry expression as if saying, “How dare you ask the size of my underwear?” BEST Bus3

Hip-Hop Types: Some standees believe a bit too much in the term ‘hands free comfort’. These chaps refuse to hold any pole for their balance. Because of this, the bus movement forces them to dance from one corner of the bus to the other while the fellow standees are forced to be a part of their performance in the form of firm pushes. What a way of fulfilling the dream of pursuing your unfulfilled hobby!

It will be interesting to see whether I find some more types of characters in the future. I won’t mind more offended and suspicious looks or dance pushes or more hools as long as I get something to write another blog post.

Season of Suicide in Bollywood

Quick Gun MurugunWhat would happen if a sparsely populated village that requires around 100 kilos of wheat each month is supplied a thousand kilos? Around 90% of the product will go waste. Well, the situation in our very own Bollywood is similar these days because of the abnormal number of films releasing. It’s unbelievably true that 12 Hindi films have released in last two weeks (28th August and 4th September).

But that’s not all as next Friday (11th September), 5 more flicks are coming out. And apart from these 17, there are 6 Hollywood films and 1 Bengali film (Sob Choritra Kalponik starring Bipasha Basu) too. Just imagine – a total of 24 new films in three weeks! It can’t get more insane than this.

The following table is the list of new releases in these three weeks: –

August 28 September 4 September 11
Kisaan Chintu Ji Baabarr
Quick Gun Murugun Mohandas Vaada Raha… I Promise
Toss Aagey Se Right Aamras
Daddy Cool Fox Ruslaan
Yeh Mera India Three I Can’t Think Straight
Sob Choritra Kalponik Bachelor Party The Unforgettable
Love Khichdi The Final Destination 9
The Taking Of Pelham 123 District 9
Race To Witch Mountain

Because of the high number of releases and the lack of promotion of most of the movies, the theatres are almost running empty. In fact, many of the shows of these films got cancelled due to ‘no audience’.

Yeh Mera India

The reason is simple. The cost of tickets and the lack of time do not allow a common man to enjoy  more than two films per week. Even if a person has all the time and money, has he or she heard most of the names from this list? Because of this overdose, even few well made flicks go unnoticed.

A year that has seen less than a handful of successful films in the first half is now laden with such high numbers of unsuccessful films. What’s worse is that such mass suicide will continue in the coming months. So don’t be surprised if 2009 becomes the year with most number of flops in Bollywood ever.

The Taking Of Pelham 123 Movie Review

On Track…Almost

Ratings: – * * *

I am firmly of the view that a remake should not be compared with the original film. It’s my belief that a remake is a way of looking at a particular story in a different way and during a different time-span. It’s more like an experiment as well as a tribute. Having said that, I am forced to say that the original 1974 flick The Taking Of Pelham 123 should be better than this remake by Tony Scott, only because of a particular scene which I found illogical.

Pelham 123

After grabbing the ransom money, why on earth will a terrorist walk on the streets of a city without a care in the world so that the cops can catch or shoot him? Even someone like me, who has no criminal record, would know that the first thing in this situation to do is to flee from the city or country as soon as possible. However, in spite of this, this remake is worth watching mostly because of the technical aspects, the sleek look and the performances.

It’s a typical hostage drama where Ryder (John Travolta) and his group hijack the New York City’s subway train The Pelham 123 and demand a huge ransom in return within 60 minutes. Ryder vows to gun down one person every minute after the deadline. Walter Garber (Denzel Washington), an MTA official, is forced to become the negotiator due to the recent circumstances in his life.

Thanks to a gripping screenplay and some stylish effects, the interest is generated throughout the 121 minutes. Plus, some innovative camerawork add to the plus points. The bird view shots are terrific. The above mention points help a great deal when the goings goes off-track slightly in between. The stunts and the action too deserve special mention. However, the couple of accidents included looked like a forced attempt to create thrill.

Travolta and Washington’s performance and the witty interaction between them act as the main pillar. Here, the dialogue writer deserves applause for creating a bond between the characters. Because of these plusses, The Taking Of Pelham 123 can be quite satisfying, especially for thriller lovers.

3 Day Affair

Gone are the days when box-office hits were movies that easily lasted at least 10-15 weeks and most of them completing silver jubilee. In today’s times, it’s impossible to see such a thing happening.

We are living in a see-and-forget-world. The world has become so fast that the first weekend collections itself determine whether a film is a hit or flop! And most of the times, a person who hasn’t seen a particular movie labels it as good or poor by just looking its business over the first three days.

singh-is-king2

Let’s take two examples –Singh Is King and Kambakkht Ishq. Singh Is King was considered as the most successful Bollywood film when it released in 2008. The stamp of a blockbuster was granted to it just because its producers and distributors booked almost all theatres in the country with around 10 shows per day.

As expected, people stormed into the theatres in the first weekend as it was a hugely awaited movie. Therefore, it gets the status of one of the biggest hits ever in Bollywood. However, you will hardly hear any praises from those who have seen this. Singh Is King’s audience rating in Imdb.com is just about 5 out of 10. Any regular reader at Imdb will know that to have a rating of 5 over there isn’t good by any means.

KambakkhtIshq

Kambakkht Ishq is even a bigger example. Some critics are of the view that it’s a super hit judging by its business on the first three days. But do we have any appreciators for this so called super hit? On Imdb, the audience’s response is merely 3.6 out of 10 for this flick.

This proves that in today’s times, it’s not difficult to ‘cook’ a box-office hit. All you need is a top actor, an exciting promo and a good marketing strategy. In fact, it seems some filmmakers are putting in more efforts in creating their film’s promo than the actual movie.

There is a dialogue in the movie Halla Bol (sadly, another sincere effort going unnoticed) by some side actor. It says “Aaj kal sab kuchh marketing pe chalta hai. Jab tak public ko achchhe-bure ki samaj aaye, teen din mein maal andar”. The ‘3 Day Affair’ cannot be described more accurately than this!