By: Keyur Seta
Right from its inception, Bollywood has churned out some memorable flicks with some classy and landmark dialogues. However, amongst these praiseworthy dialogues, there have also been some which are plain idiotic.
Surprisingly, many of these stupid lines have appeared in movies which are highly regarded and respected. Being subjected to hearing such lines since childhood, I can’t help but make fun of them. There’s some force which is compelling me to interpret these dialogues (in capital letters) in my way, which can be more idiotic than the original lines!
- Agar tumne uske saath shaadi ki to mera maraa moo dekhogi! – AS IF OTHER PARTS OF YOUR BODY WOULD BE ALIVE.
- Main tera khoon pee jaaunga – A HOPELESS AND HELPLESS VICTIM OF WATER SHORTAGE.
- Doctor tells a lady that her husband is no more and she says, “Keh do ki yeh jhoot hai!” Just imagine the doctor saying, “Haan aisi situations mein mujhe mazaak karne ki aadat hain.”
- Yeh gaajar ka halwa maine apne haathon se banaya hain – YES WE CAN COOK FROM DIFFERENT PARTS OF OUR BODY.
- Nikaah kabool hain? – NAHIN YAAR. MAIN YAHAN ITNE ACHHE SE TAYAAR HOKE SIRF TIMEPASS KARNE AAYAA/AAI HOON!
- Kanoon ke haath bohat lambe hote hain – KAASH PAIR BHI LAMBE HOTE TO POLICE TIME PE POHOCHTI!
- Mera dimaag mat khao – MAIN SADI HUI CHEEZEN NAHIN KHATA!
- Bachne ka koi rasta nahin. Police ne tumhe chaaron taraf se gher liya hai – THEN WHY YOU SOUNDING SO PETRIFIED?
- Itne kharche? Ghar mein ek phooti kaudi nahin hain – AGAR HOTI TO BHI KYA HO JATA? IS IT ACCEPTED AS CURRENCY IN INDIA?
- Main kahan hoon? Main kaun hoon? - ACTUALLY YOU SHOULD ASK, "MAIN KYUN HOON?"
- A typical maa asks with a startling and spooky expression, “Tumne mujhe maa kaha? – GALTI HO GAYI. PHIR SE NAHIN KAHUNGAA!
(And now the killer of all:-)
- Aage jaane ke liye tumhe meri laash pe se guzarna hoga – NAHIN MAIN ITNA BHI NIRDAY NAHIN HOON. MAIN LAASH KE SIDE MEIN SE CHALA JAAUNGA. I WILL MANAGE ALL RIGHT!
Having made fun of all these lines, I still want the idiocy to continue so that I can write more such blog posts!
Rating: - * * *
Each and every department of a movie, no matter how perfect and up to the mark, can go unnoticed if the basic plot is infected with flaws. That’s exactly the problem with Rensil D’Silva’s directorial debut Kurbaan. One really wishes the plot was as flawless and watertight as the performances, of each and every artist, and the technical aspects.
The story goes around professor Avantika (Kareena Kapoor), who thought her life is a bed of roses when she married her lover Ehsaan Khan, also a professor, (Saif Ali Khan) until she discovered she is being used as a pawn in a huge terror conspiracy. There’s also Riyaaz (Vivek Oberoi), a war journalist with disguised intentions.
As stated earlier, the problem with Kurbaan lies in the plot itself. The whole idea and motive of Riyaaz is devoid of much logic (not going through the details in order to avoid being a spoiler).
Another scene, the most vital in the plot, is plain laughable. Just figure this out – Avantika gets to know that the plane, in which her friend (Dia Mirza) will be travelling, is going to get blown up. What does Avantika do when she couldn’t get through Dia’s mobile phone? She phones at Dia’s office landline just 15 minutes before takeoff and leaves a recorded message urging and pleading her not to take the flight. How the hell can she expect Dia to receive the message in her office just 15 minutes before the takeoff? She could have called the police, the FBI or the airport authorities but looks like she didn’t trust them.
The above two loopholes turn you off from a rather well made thriller with some terrific edge-of-the-seat moments. Another flipside is the duration of 2 hours 40 minutes. One could afford to miss the initial 20 odd minutes where the hero goes head over heels when he sees his heroine and flirts with her in a typical 90’s fashion. In some more places, the editor should have used his scissors.
Despite the problems, D’Silva does leave a mark. Shooting such a film can be a hell of a task especially when it’s your first one. Therefore, D’Silva should get full credit for it. But the strongest factors come in the form of Hemant Chaturvedi’s cinematography, Salim-Sulaiman’s revolutionary background score, Parvez Khan’s action and Anurag Kashyap and Niranjan Iyenagar’s dialogues.
Salim-Sulaiman’s duo, as music directors, does produce some tuneful melodies but sadly the songs end up being interrupters and the most memorable title track appears at the end credits.
Both Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor enact their parts with flawlessness. Their emotional acts in the climax stay etched in your memory. However, it’s Vivek Oberoi who comes as a total surprise. He has played his part so well that it won’t be an overstatement to assert that the actor is back to his Company, Saathiya and Dum days. In a film which relies mostly on performances, the supporting cast needs to deliver top notch performances and Om Puri, Kiron Kher and the rest of the filling cast do exactly that.
The information and statistics provided in the script and the issues taken to light need special mention. Not many would have known that the US, in their efforts to curb terrorism, ended up taking many more than 15,000 lives in Iraq and Afghanistan which is five times more than the death toll in the 9/11 attacks (3,000).
All in all, Kurbaan is for those who like to enjoy some spine chilling moments without troubling their brains. Despite the big starcast, the film has had just an average opening which will make its going tough at the box-office.
Maybe for the first time in my life I am caught in a situation where I am eager and enthusiastic to express myself but I am not able to find the words.
Well, I have no problems with this because it is the bewilderment of the Master Blaster Sachin Tendulkar which is making me speechless as he completes 20 years in international cricket, 20 years of making India proud, 20 years of carrying the pressure of the whole match on his shoulders, 20 years of giving a nightmare to bowlers around the world, 20 years of being down to earth despite being the biggest cricketing hero in the world, 20 years of forcing tens of thousands of his followers to ram in the stadium just to watch him and last but not the least – 20 years of being what he is.
Because of my writer’s block right now (for which I am proud), I can just say I feel fortunate to have been born in this era as I got a chance to grow simultaneously with Sachin’s career.
If it wasn’t for Sachin’s determination and strong will, he couldn’t have completed two decades in international cricket because of the tremendous pressure laden on him to retire by some ‘so-called’ cricket experts since last 4-5 years. Well, they will still pester him to hang his boots and call it a day soon but who responds to barking dogs?
By the way, despite having a writer’s block, I still managed to write almost close to 300 words. Well, this is also because of the genius of the master!
Lastly, I am never able to keep my filmy keeda away which is forcing me to present you the Master Blaster in the following manners: -
Chauaalis (44) saal pehle 2nd November ko hua ek CHAMATKAAR. JOSH ke saath aayaa is duniya mein ek BAADSHAH ye kehte hue ki MAIN HOON NA! Us BAAZIGAR ke DIL SE barasne lagi MOHABBATEIN. SWADES aur PARDES mein logon ka is par DIL TOH PAGAL HAI. Sirf main hi nahin iska DEEWANA, is Bollywood ke DON ka to hai ZAMANA DEEWANA.
Very Happy Birthday to a talented actor and a down-to-earth human being!